The Completely Unexpected: White Sox bullpen leads to 3-1 victory over Twins

Truism: That’s why they play the games. (@whitesox)


Well, for five and a third innings, we damn near had our own Minneapolis Miracle, ladies and gents. It was thanks to that damned Josh Ostrich hanging a slider to Jorge Polanco that I wasn’t able to have an incredibly improbable result to recap.

But like a down-on-his-luck craps player who suddenly hits six points in a row, the Probability Gods decided enough was enough. But the collective flotsam that is Ivan Nova, Carson Fulmer, Josh Osich, Aaron Bummer, Jimmy Cordero, Evan Marshall, Jace Fry, and Alex Colomé amazingly held down the Mighty Minny Offense long enough to let a double-double from Yoán, a two-hitter from Eloy, and a ZACKBOMB in the ninth get the Sox over the hump and finally beat the Twins, 3-1.

Lets go to the tape!

With scheduled starter Dylan Covey scratched with a shoulder issue, the incredibly-hittable Iván Nova stepped in to try out one of them newfangled Opener Starts, as he was scheduled to only pitch the first. He rode the razor’s edge with walks to Nelson Cruz and Jorge Polanco, and a wild pitch … but a K to Miguel Sanó put out a potentially devastating fire!

As is often the case after surviving a near disaster, the Sox offense got to Jake Odorizzi as sneaky-dark-horse batting title candidate Yoán Moncada led off the second inning with a double to left, who was then knocked in as the 71st RBI by Mr. Big Baby himself:

As the NBA Jam announcer would say: HE’S HEATING UP!

Jace Fry would take over as the next pitcher up on So You Think The Sox Can Pitch?, immediately walking his first batter. But two strikeouts and a 5-3 putout ended the second inning without incident. He’d then get two outs in the third before being pulled for Mr. Herky-Jerky (aka Carson Fulmer) to face Nelson “HAW-HAW” Cruz. But a grounder to Matt Skole at first got the White Sox through three with out giving up a base knock.

Fulmer got through a quiet fourth with no blemishes to the hit column for the Twins, and though Eloy and Yolmer got singles in the fifth inning, Skole said “Tanks for the memories” and struck out to end the half-frame. Fulmer, having a manic episode or being taken over by them machines from Avatar, continues his and the bullpen’s streak of good luck by retiring another three batters to get through the fifth with nary a single to the Twins batting line.

In the sixth, Leury Legend led off with a single, swapped places with Tim Anderson ( force out). Then with two outs, YoYo acts like he’s on Lauren’s favorite game show Jeopardy! (shoutout to Trebek, hoping for a full recovery for you!) and picks up Daily Double #2:

The Minny sixth would prove to be the end of the road for the Sox dreams of pulling off the stunner of 2019, as Osich came on in relief of Fulmer. (just think if Fulmer was an actual starter, and could have polished off the last six innings?!) Osich got one out, but Polanco ripped a single to center and that, as they say, was that:

Unable to handle the shame Osich performed ritual Seppeku on the pitcher’s mound, Osich was replaced by Jimmy Biceps, who decided to use his flamethrower of a sleeveless arm to pour gasoline on this fire by walking Cruz and allowing a ground ball to sneak under the glove of a diving Yolmer Sánchez, cutting the lead down to 2-1, White Sox.

Dan Hayes: Local Traitor

A series of unfortunate events, punctuated by a passed ball and a walk, loaded the bases for the Twins, who looked to break this game wide open. However, the Bicep held strong, and this time Yolmer handled a grounder his way to get the third out, preserving the lead.

With the no-hitter done, lets get to the remaining highlights:

  • Anderson slapped a single to right in the eigth inning, upping his average to .335, now with a comfortable lead in the race for the AL batting title (and now the owner of the highest BA in all of MLB!)
  • Earlier in the game, Leury Legend got tapped in the No-No Zone, and Benetti (with the Call of the Season) refers to the incident as “He got nipped by the turtle!”
Cup Check!
  • Eddie Rosario, looking to atone for getting Twins fans hopes up earlier, commits the worst kind of TOOTBLAN of them all, getting tossed out a third base for the last out of the eighth inning, all thanks to stylin and profilin … a long blast to the wall and getting relayed to death:
Steve Stone straight ROASTS Eddie’s ass …
  • We have another #ZACKBOMB to give the Sox an insurance run in the top of the ninth!

And finally Colomé, who has been pitching like Alex Colom-D+ lately, gets a K, and two line outs to end the game and, per MLB rules, by virtue of scoring three runs to the opponents’ one run in nine completed innings, the White Sox finish out the 2019 season series against the Roided Up Piranhas with a 3-1 victory.

The Sox couldn’t help themselves too much, racking up 14 strikeouts vs. one measly walk, Palka and Skole tag-teamed the Tank effort, but it was for naught. The Sox head into an off-day before a trip to Detroit to continue ruining their draft position against an inferior opponent.

So that was my last recap of the season, barring unforeseen illnesses or jail time for my colleagues here (looking at you, Darren). Thanks for giving me a bit of your attention covering this team, but that’s not all from me. I’ll still be hanging around, contributing to South Side Hit Pen with more dumb musings and poorly-connected sitcommy pieces!

Talk to y’all later! Buy a shirt, dammit!

Everybody Loves Ross (Detwiler)

It only seemed like 22 minutes plus commercials: Detwiler turned in an Emmy-worthy performance tonight. (@WhiteSox)


Big Boss Ross: Serving lewks from coast to coast.

(This recap was written after this author’s dinner with his mother-in-law, and is gleamed from various Twitter clips and box scores; it will be written in the style of a scene from Everybody Loves Raymond, featuring one if the greatest sitcom in-laws of all time, Marie Barrone [played by the late Doris Roberts] and her put-upon daughter-in-law, Debra).


[INTERIOR] THE BARRONE’S LIVING ROOM

(Raymond and Debra are on the couch, watching the end of the Chicago White Sox and Texas Rangers game on their TV. The game has just ended.)

RAYMOND: (gets up, stretches and yawns sleepily) Oh wow, glad that’s finally over … I still don’t get why a New York paper asked me, a native Long Islander, to watch and recap this random Sox and Rangers game, but a job’s a job!

(Leans down to kiss a glowering Debra on the forehead)

RAYMOND: Thanks for staying up with me to watch … even though it’s our wedding anniversary … it’s the only thing I could come up with to enjoy together …

(Debra shoots him a look of burning annoyance)

RAYMOND: Ooooook … I’ll be upstairs writing this up and … (Raymond awkwardly bounds up the stairs)

(Debra rolls her eyes and reaches for the remote to turn off the TV when suddenly the front door flies open and Ray’s mother Marie bursts into the room.)

Marie: Raymond! Raymond! Your father just won’t stop snoring! He’s waking up the neighborhood! I need to sleep here tonight … (pause) … Debra? Where’s Ray? He said he’d be up late writing a story …

DEBRA: Yeah, Ray just went upstairs to work on it …

MARIE: Oh, thank you dear … but looking at the circles under your eyes … maybe you should … (looks at TV, Jason Benetti is watching Steve Stone talk about house building again) Oh my god! Is that Steve?

DEBRA: Steve? Steve who?

MARIE: Steve Stone! Oh Debra, I forget … you don’t take much interest in my Ray’s line of work .. He was a pitcher in the 70s … one time, the Baltimore Orioles were in town and I bumped into Steve at a store downtown … Debra, if I wasn’t married … [audience hoots and hollers]

DEBRA: That’s wonderful, Marie … but … (Debra goes to turn off the TV)

MARIE: Don’t you dare! Leave it on … (Steve is watching Jason explain tonight’s #SoxMath answer, cutting his eyes to the camera periodically, Marie feels as if he is directly looking at her)

Um … Debra dear, why don’t you … um … be a dear and describe the game to me … what happened in the game? I’m going to get Robert to get on the Tweet machine tomorrow and I want to reach out to Mr. Stone here and I want to sound like I actually care about caseball …

DEBRA: Baseball?

M: Whatever … Debra! Details! Now!

DEBRA: [Debra sighs and debates how fast she can escape to Canada after strangling Marie, decides against it] OK, Marie … ummmm so the game starts … the first Sox pitcher … Ross Det … Rot … wiler? Whatever he starts out really well … he even strikes out all three Rangers in the second inning.

MARIE: Yes, yes … keep going! And punch it up a little!

DEBRA: Right … evidently he hasn’t been doing well in many of his games before, but you couldn’t tell tonight I guess! He went a whole six innings, got eight strikeouts, and only gave up a home runner to um … a guy named … Elvis?

MARIE: Honey, you don’t have to make up names, if you don’t remember … OK, what else??

DEBRA: The Sox had this young man, the announcer called him Yo-Yo, oh he just swatted one a pitch straight out of the park! Well, not literally, but it was fast! Then the Sox catcher, the guy who squats all the time? His name is James McCann and he hit another homer right after the Yo-Yo guy did!

MARIE: Yo-Yos and Irish catchers, got it. Is there anything else?!

DEBRA: Well they kept cutting to this guy in the stands, he had big ears … I think his name was Chuck …he just went on and on about …

(Debra’s voice fades into the background as Marie stares deeply into the visage of Steve Stone, her vision turns hazy and this picture slowly fades in on the screen:

DEBRA: Marie? (Snaps fingers) Marie, are you even listening?!

MARIE: (slowly emerging from a her haze) What? Oh my, I’m so sorry dear … what was it you were saying?

DEBRA: I’ve been trying to tell you! Some guy …I think his name was Kelvin Herrera … he came in the ninth inning and got the final three outs. The Sox ended up winning 6-1! So there! Is that enough for you?! Can I go to bed now?!?!

MARIE: Yes, yes … of course! Thank you so much! Now be a dear and don’t tell Frank or Ray any of this! And please try to keep your anniversary lovemaking noises down to a minimum …Last year I had to tell Frank some raccoons were fighting out by the garbage! (Marie chuckles …) Good night!

(Debra’s mouth hangs open in stunned silence as the audience laughs heartily)

[FADE OUT]

[END SCENE]


Tune in tomorrow night! Special guest star Ricky Renteria stops by to say hello to his old teammate, who happens to be Ray’s dad! But when Frank claims the bunt is a waste of an at bat, fists start flying! How will emergency coach Ray Barrone manage young Dylan Cease against the Rangers’ Lance Lynn at 7:10 p.m. Central on the South Side of Chicago without Debra noticing?!